The Truth as learned by the Internet

Truth for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm front.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

I have been hiding under the covers..I'm sorry

So I have been away for a bit, mostly because I can't seem to find something funny to say..sure I can find things on the internet that are funny, but everyone does that. I could post updates about my life..but that's what Facebook is for. I could condense it into 140 characters..but that is why they have Twitter. So basically I'm kind of stuck..and not sure how to remedy the situation.

I added some new stuff to the layout to make it more fun, and an adult content warning. Because I'm socially responsible. Ha. That makes me giggle. Which is immature. So I suppose I am a direct contradiction of myself. Great. More angst. I thought that ended when I left my teens. "Who am I?" Shit, that's more of a question now than it's ever been.

Oh..shit..that's getting deep..hmm a change of subject. Ok..remember my post about snow? Well that was just a joke that Mother Nature decided to drop on us. It barely stuck. 7 days ago..it started snowing, and it has barely stopped. Not to mention the -20 temp. with an added -10 windchill. Good god. I hate winter. It makes me vile and angry. It also makes me yell at random strangers for things like not shovelling the sidewalk. Really? Asshole..it's been snowing for a week and you can't get off your ass to shovel once? I'm not doing your sidewalk, you are 3 blocks away from me..and I live on a corner lot..so I have more sidewalk anyway.

It seriously makes me want to beat people up. Which is not really helpful. And makes me late for classes. Which when you are going to school for a legal assistant diploma is not exactly effective or legal. lol.

So anyway..I will try and think of something good to post. Until then. Hyperbole and a half and Books of Adam are the two best blogs on the internet if you love to laugh. I want to be them. Not at the same time..but individually for an hour or two..would be cool. :)

Stay warm. Because Winter fucking sucks.

These are the friends I have??!!

DISCLAIMER!!!! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, PLEASE SKIP THE FOLLOWING POST! If you are kind of offended, you will probably laugh. We mean NO OFFENSE!!!!!

Ashley Lawrence ‎..so this one time..back in Vietnam..I was crawling through the trenches, trying to get back to my men..when all of a sudden...

• • 
    

    Patrick  ‎80 pounds of strawberry ice cream fell on my face.
  •  

    Tanis  And I thought myself.....OH SHIT I'm lactoseintolerant......god damn ice cream storms.....so I held my breath and started to dive when all of a sudden.......
  •  

    Ashley Lawrence ‎...I hiccuped...and choked. As I finally coughed my way to the surface of the Strawberry Ice Cream Mountain..I found myself face to face with...
  •  

    Tanis  An epileptic seizure FML!!!!! I started twitching and tripped right over the barbwire and down a hill I broke 3 bones CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT!!!! And all the while foaming at the mouth!!!!!! I blacked out and when I woke up........
  •  

    Ashley Lawrence I was strapped to a camel...being led along by infidels..somehow I had been out long enough to travel from Vietnam to Iraq..I was worried they would try and torture me for information..not that I would ever crack..and the next thing you know..I saw TEAM AMERICA and they were all....
  •  

    Patrick  Busy crapping on each others chests and having sex. I was like " FUCK this is what happens when you rely on americans!" then this dude with a hockey stick came by...asked the durka durkas....i mean iraqis....if there deformed horses needed some water....he led us thru the desert to a........
  •  

    Tanis  deep dark cave........he led us to wut.....OSAMA BIN FUCKING LADIN....and i was all........A LALALALALALALALALAL DIRKA DIRKA G-HAD BINDER!!!!!!!........... now to any normal american that would sound digustingly scary and a little bit offensive but to osama....mutherfucker took me in like i was his own suicidal son........

    
    
  • Ashley Lawrence so after some afghani kush ( what did you expect) Osama was so stoned..that he fell asleep..so I took his favorite camel and all his WMDs (which are actually quite small) and ran away...suddenly the camel tripped...and broke his hump...what happens when a camel breaks a hump..he turns into a llama...so I bailed..and hijacked a jet..I was just getting ready to take off..when a goat landed on my windshield...so then I...

    
    
  • 
    

    Patrick  realised i hadnt hijacked a jet...I was sitting in the middle of a GOD DAMN SAND DUNE ( fucking kush) and it wasnt my windshield a goat landed on it was the WMD! I dropped that WMD like it was a bowl full of ice cream ( lactose intolerant remember) and started running for my life when all of a sudden..............

     
  • 
    

    Tanis  turned around to find the fucking goat chasing me WTS running through iraq to save my life and i have a FUCKING GOAT TRYING TO HUMP MY LEG ( i know wut ur thinking...wut about the WMD) turns out that it was osama's dialisas machine....no wonder he passed out so quickly (GOD DAMN KUSH) needless to say the WMD did NOT go off and was stuck in the middle of nowhere with a horny goat.........i had to think fast!!! i look to my left and all i could see was......

    
    
  • 
    

    Ashley Lawrence

    a machine gun...so I killed the horny goat..and took off running again..I ran and I ran and I ran and I finally ended up in a small village. In the middle of the village was a hot air balloon..so I jumped in and took off. I sailed across th...e sky for a couple hours..and realized I hadn't eaten in days..( I should have eaten the goat!) and the munchies were terrible..so I started eating the Balloon. I know, I know, next time I should land first..but I ate a hole in the balloon and it crashed. I broke both my legs on impact and thought I was doomed...out of a sandstorm..came CHUCK NORRIS..and he said....See More

    
    
  • 
    

    Patrick  ‎"yo whats up n***a?!" I was all like thank god chuck norris I Needed a miracle! I asked him if he could get me back to some place sane...he grinned a silly grin and 80 butterflies died from the power of it and all of a sudden POOF im in a field...it smells really nice then i notice the river...and im all fuck thank god some water that will help....then i noticed the fucking river was BROWN! all of a sudden these orange midgets show up and........

This story is still under continuation...but I laughed so hard when I read it..that I had to share. Like I said. We have some fucked up humour going on...

More Later
xoxox

Snow?!

So it's wet snowing outside right now. It is 9:25am and still pretty dark outside..I am not ok with this. I just put the long johns back into the closet a month ago. Now I have to dig them out again. Oh well. Last year at this time there was 6 inches of snow on the ground...and this is turning to rain as it falls.

I was trying to think of something funny to post..but yesterday I was sick and I think I may have thrown up my funny bone. That sucks. Humour gets me through life..so I guess I have to tell a story from the past: but I can't think of anything. This is really hard.

I suppose I am going to have to think about it..and get back to you. Which really..just makes this a journal entry of boredom. Sorry.

It's 10/10/10

Which..is kind of important I guess. At 10:10 it's more important..but this morning I got distracted, so I missed it. I am waiting 17 minutes so I can see it again and be a part of history. Like every other person on the planet, but whatever. It made me feel special. Although. I might forget while I am posting this.

So to be honest, I have an issue. My hockey team sucks. I know that it was only game one of the regular season but here is my logic. The Edmonton Oilers usually are the worst team in the league. The other night they beat Calgary 5-1. Last night L.A. beat the Canucks (who I love) in a shootout 2-1. The Calgary Flames beat L.A. tonight..so..doesn't this mean my team sucks more than Edmonton?

I'm not sure that I like the math involved. Either way. I probably just wasted a bunch of your time with my post, but, to be fair, it's not like you had much else to do. You are here aren't you?

My wife is learning to tweet. It's adorable watching her learn to follow people. She makes me laugh with her stalker abilities. I mean..celebrity interest. Yeah.. that's what I meant.

Ok..it's almost time for Family Guy. And 10/10/10 10:10. But let's be honest here people, I am way to scatterbrained to remember to make note in 10 minutes. :)

25 Random Facts About Myself

Ok..so I have never blogged before..but I consider myself a pretty entertaining person so I am hoping that maybe I can be entertaining to other people too. I should probably warn you, I swear frequently, and I use   ....<-- those things as often as I breathe. Consider yourselves forewarned. I decided to post 25 random things about me so here goes;
1. I have a weird obsession with boobs. Not just mine, everyones.
2. I can't smoke unless I have something to drink beside me.
3. I prefer sleep to...well..everything.
4. I'm not scared to die, I am scared that it will hurt.
5. I have 6 tattoos but I am a wimp..and I whine while I get them.
6. I have a Small Boy that is more intelligent than most people that I know. And some that I don't.
7. My boyfriend's nickname is Meat.
8. My best friend is my "Wife"
9. I'm ridiculous when it comes to my love of hockey.
10. I drink an average of about 7 cups of coffee per day (extra large)
11. I can't dance unless I'm with my wife.
12. I have probably read more books than some people know...but none of the classics.
13. I am going to try Stand Up Comedy.
14. I have never had my learners. (I'm more than 25.)
15. Or a pair of Manolo's
16. Kermit the Frog follows me on Twitter.
17. I have 3 sons, and I only birthed one of them. Mine, Meat's and the Wife's.
18. I have a Beethoven Quote tattooed on the back of my neck.
19. I have spent more than half of my life working with racehorses.
20. I can't sleep unless my big toe is crossed over the toe beside it and the pinkie over the ring toe.
21. I beat a crippling drug addiction. (January 7, 2005)
22.  I once told Pavel Bure I loved him in Russian. ( I was 10)
23. I cannot handle Buckley's. ( No comment)
24. I love Bacon.
25. Chuck Norris. (That is all.)

There you go, 25 random facts..that was really difficult, and I needed help. Yeah, I can ask for help. What? No, I'm just kidding. Sorry. Sometimes I get carried away.

I hope people read this. Because it's not really interesting to me. I knew all this stuff. Well, I did, after the Wife told me.